Friday, March 28, 2014

Being a fat girl is hard work

An almost year long absence....and yet, I still got 2 page views today. Whaaa?

I have another post brewing about why I was away for so long, but this article annoyed me so much that I felt I needed to vent about it.

So, on  my facebook timeline, this "inspiring story" has gone viral, if you want to call it inspiring. UGH. I can't stand it. I'll explain why, but here's a little back-story.

I have struggled with weight for almost my entire life.  It started with a traumatic event when I was a child and was exacerbated when I tried to 'fit in' in elementary school.  In the 4th grade, I LOVED running, I LOVED bike-riding, I loved Ghostbusters, I loved the boy next door, then video games, then the magazine Highlights....in that order. Whenever we had gym class, I couldn't wait to race the boys. I would always come in either second or third place (there's this one guy I could never beat).  But it was like this: guy, guy, me, guy, guy, guy, guy, guy....then all the girls, then some guy and girl stragglers.  The guys would make fun of me (as guys wont to do) but girls would never talk to me. One day, I just figured out that I was just too tomboyish. So, to be more 'girly' I started running slower and slower so I could hang out with the girls. Well, that didn't work because they were always interested in things that had nothing to do with biking, video games or ghostbusters. In retrospect, I was doomed with girls to begin with. This actually makes me somewhat weepy thinking about it.

Anyway, so rejected by girls, guy who I'm going to marry who lived next door (he claimed to be my Skywalker to his Leia.  Imagine my surprise when I found out they were brother and sister. Sigh) moved to the Philippines, and the girl down the street that I would bike-ride with moved to Texas, that coupled with an event that reminded me of my aforementioned traumatic event and I gained about 50 pounds from 4th grade to the 5th grade. The school pictures don't lie yo.

My parents were dismayed by my abnormal weight gain and as such, they tried to chastise me so it would give me motivation to lose weight. All it did was depress me more and I was prone to more reclusion.  We moved to a new neighborhood where other girls came over and actually wanted to be friends. We were like the multi-racial sitcom---I was the chubby Asian/Pacific Islander, Missy was the Mexican, Candace (Candy) was the white chick and Leela was the black girl down the road (she was the one I was closest to).  Obviously, names have been made up to protect the guilty.  Hanging out with these girls and going out to do stuff (Let's...uh...walk up this hill. Let's go swimming. Let's go do this...) made me naturally lose weight.  I remember one time, I was a size 5 for like 20 minutes...until I drank some water...then I was like a tight size 5 or a comfy size 7.

ANYWAY, those girls moved away, here comes high school and even though I was like, 110 pounds, my girlfriends were like 85--90--100 pounds, so I'm a montrous heffer compared to these girls.  However, I was also unusually tall.  In real life, I'm only 5'3", but going to a predominantly Asian school, the average height is 5'0.  Put it this way, I was in drill team and the all the tall people were placed in the back. I was in row 4 out 5...that's how "tall" I was in comparison to the other girls. I also had boobs that people made fun of (it's really vogue for a lot of Asian guys to date A or B cups and I was already two letters ahead of those folks). So no boyfriends for me and a lot of fat jokes -- from family, friends, and enemies I suppose. I was automatically an enemy to pretty popular people. Actually, I would have preferred they ignored me rather than give me the stink-eye. I also did not have a lot of money so it was the same 5 outfits recycled to the popular girls' 50 outfits.  Everyone knew, once I was finally able to afford cool clothes---because they were on sale---it was now the most uncool stuff.

This is not to say I didn't have ANY friends but let's just say these are words I  did not hear: pretty, skinny or smart.  Words I did hear: funny, weird, fat, photogenic (I apparently could smile like a mofo in pictures).  As with everyone, if I were to go back and have the mind I have today but have the body I had then, I would DEMOLISH everyone because there's no need to be such assholes to people like me.

But I digress.

So with this background, weight has always been big big factor in my life.  Every other year I'm the fattest person on the planet or I'm 'looking good' cause I shed some pounds. I always shed the same amount of weight --between 20-35 pounds...and I always gain all the weight back.

Now, why do I gain the weight back?

A number of factors: I hate exercise.  This is not to say I won't do it, because every other year, I exercise my butt off.  In 2012, I ran 2 half marathons (I have run a total of 6 half marathons, 1 10k and 1 5k to date) and an Olympic Distance triathalon. I'm not going to lie--the training for the triathalon is brutal and so is running--or shuffling as I like to do it.  I don't find it fun but I like to cross things off of my bucket list, so Jesus help me I'm going to finish a triathalon (and I've had naysayers that I couldn't do it. My boyfriend being one of them.  Thanks boyfriend! In his defense, he says I miscontrued his comment. He says that he could never do a triathlon. If HE couldn't do a triathalon (and he's a swimmer), how could I do a triathlon (and I don't know how to swim).  I think of doing another tri but I think of all the misery of training and I can't bring myself to go back there. Maybe if I had an equally miserable training buddy.

I love food: and I'm not talking junk food. I'm talking a lot of different foods, but some of it is junky. Lately, it's all been junky, to be honest. But I love going out to restaurants, I like trying out things, I like going out with other people who love food.  When I go on a diet, I am miserable. The misery comes from having to plan things out--and if somebody comes in from out of town, I've had a 14 hour work-day, if I'm traveling--forget planning, I'm going to eat what's convenient.  But what happens? All that organic food I've purchased has rotted in my refrigerator.  Luckily, a lot of food I like is somewhat healthy -- i love fish, chicken, roasted veggies (ok, really it's asparagus, cauliflower, mushrooms and brussel sprouts...how the heck do you spell brussell sprouts?) but I also love fried chicken and french fries. More the chicken than the fries. And white rice---the food demon of all demons. Doubly sigh.

I have a slow metabolism: I did a 'diet' where I would eat pretty healthily and I would do a 'taste' of something bad. Typically this means, I take a bite out of my boyfriend's stuff. One bite of his cookie. One bite of his chicken. One bite of his piece of chocolate.  He's always baffled about how hard it is for me to lose weight because in his words "you eat like 2 things" (which also makes me miserable).  However, this is a bad comparison as my boyfriend as a metabolism of a squirrel and can eat a package of cookies and gain like 2 pounds, where if I did the same thing (if I could), I would gain 10 pounds. But that's also I'm a lady with boobs.


I tend to be disappointed with results: I'm grew up in a strict Asian household. So when I'm not looking like fit mom, writing award winning feature length films, consciously coupling in my $1,000 yoga pants, I tend to beat myself up and think what the point is. I know, I know. It's about the journey. But when you've spent a year training for 2 half marathons and a triathalon and giving up salt (that is HARD), Diet Coke, alcohol and red meat...I should look like Fit Mom or Cobie Smulders.  I just look like a regular somewhat chubby person instead of a skinny/toned person.

So when I lose a ton of weight --- hating my exercise and hating my food --- I become a very reclusive and miserable person.  I do this for 3 -- 6 months and then I'm like SCREW this and I go back to being lazy and fat and somewhat happier than I was before. At least in fatter clothes, I can see my friends and my head isn't whacked out in calorie count.  When I'm in losing weight mode, I typically make an excuse to not see my friends so I won't be tempted to eat Hooter's Wings (I lose this battle 70% of the time, though, because I don't have a lot of friends).

SOOOO, the point of this backstory is:

1. We fatties are not always drinking beer and binging at 2am. Ask almost all my roommates.
2. Calling me fatty is not inspiring. Especially after I swam a mile, ridden a bike for 20 miles or so (I forget, I just remember chafing) and running for over 6 miles. Calling me an inspirational fatty makes me want to kick you in the face.
3. I don't say "Hey asshole. Thanks for being a jerk to that waiter and showing us wussies on how to lay the smackdown on bad service."
4. Only fatties can call each other fatties. It is only through the misery of being a fattie do you deserve to call other fatties.
5. Fatties can't hide.  Assholes and dumbasses can hide behind with a beautiful exterior...but not for loooong.
6. Fatter fatties cannot judge skinnier fatties for not being fat and miserable enough. Jesus, my friend Lanie is like 120 pounds and 5'8 (something like that). She gained FIVE pounds and guys at work gave her shit for it. I'm gaining like a crapload more than that, so I'm sure I'm getting lots of behind the back crap about it.
7. Inspirational stories are not inspirational if you are judging me on how I got fat in the first place. (It's not like fat people are like "Oooooh...I'm too skinny and pretty. Let's get fat! Give me those fries at 3am and lots and lots of lard!! PARTY!!!")
8. Can you tell that this "inspirational story" really pissed me off?

Anyway, so here's your local fat girl (and yes, this is a 'skinny' year, and I am pumped to find some new exercise I'm going to hate. I know, bad attitude but, seriously, I'm kind of excited because my boyfriend has decided to be miserable with me!) We're going to try yoga, hiking and aquatic exercise this round. In fact, next week, we are both taking a "HEALTH-VACATION" (I don't know why I felt the need to put that in caps) where all we focus is on no work, eating healthy, and finding interesting exercises. We really need to do it at a time-off basis. We're finding that trying to do it while you have work and dogs and such is too frustrating, so we're doing a health-vacation reset...starting this Sunday! WHEEEEEE.

However, I will leave this post on a positive note.  Here is a TRUE inspirational story.  It's one best friend trying to help his best friend to lose weight.

FIN BITCHES.

P.S. Man, I am sassy tonight. I blame Chicago's freezing temperatures for cooping me up in this hotel room.

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