Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Judgey Mcjudgerson? Or why I chose not to have children

This blog was inspired by a lively debate that occurred on my sister's facebook page about judging moms and being judged by moms.  I mentioned the two things I get judged about is not being married and choosing not to have kids. (If you want my honest opinion, I think I'm being judged on THREE things, the third one is regarding my weight...how much I lost or gained depending on the year or season).

Anyways, let's start with marriage.  I necessarily don't want to get married...I'm just not chomping at the bit to be married.  The thing with marriage and me is that marriage doesn't mean anything to me yet.  I don't want to be married until it means something significant to me.  That doesn't mean I think other marriages are insignificant. I think there are a lot of great marriages and their declaration of love to the world is warranted.  But to me, marriage too political, too forced, too diluted for me to take it seriously at this moment in time.

Right now it means:

  • I change my last name (I won't ever, I told my boyfriend and he's totally cool with that)
  • I get to be on his insurance (is it really that much better than mine?)
  • Tax break? (Do we really get a tax break though?)

Hmm. I guess that's it.  We're also not extremely religious, so living in sin (to those who think we are) is fine with me for now.  I think my boyfriend and I are also very committed to each other (him, admittedly, more than I...I think) so I don't feel I need marriage to "keep him" committed which some people might do.  I also don't care what people think of us (some people get married because they care about how society/friends/family views them).

So why even get married?  One day, I hope the meaning changes for me. I hope it means that our love is romantic, awesome and a true devotion.  But for now, it's too much in the news for me to see it that way.

Now, why I don't want kids.

I think this stems from my childhood.  I don't want to say it was "rough", but it was a little bit due to unforeseen circumstances.  But my childhood was primarily responsibility.  I was the oldest sibling, so I was pressured to make all the right decisions, make sure everything was done, make sure my younger siblings were taken cared of.  I was the carpool for everyone, I was the babysitter for everyone and I had to make sure that I was always thinking of others and not myself.  My mother would always scold me if I was being "selfish". I can never want anything for myself.

When I got older, I really never felt I had "fun".  I mean, true unadulterated fun.  Can't do that, have to wake up early.  Can't do that, have to pick up my sister.  So I had fun, but still had to think ahead of time of the consequences.

Now that I'm older, there's nobody I have to report to, I have to answer to, have to take care of.  I love this feeling and I want this feeling to last forever.  I can travel at a moment's notice.  I can decide if I want to stay out longer with my friends or sleep in until noon on a Sunday.  I don't have this freedom and lack of responsibility with CHILDREN in the picture.  I mean, geez, I hate most of the responsibilities I have now and it's not too too much (probably a reason why we rent apartments and not own a house).  Sometimes, I look at my niece and think, hmmm....maybe having a kid isn't so bad (my niece is the cutest, smartest niece EVER.  Of course, I'm extremely biased).  Then, all I have to do is one trip to Disneyland and any sort of urge will dissipate.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend doesn't want to have kids either.  We found out in a wonderful way---by accident (although, an awkward conversation about it would probably have made a funnier story.)

I had come home from the airport...exhausted because there was this kid screaming on the plane (I felt bad for the mom actually) and it was a long flight so my ears were ringing and I couldn't take a nap.  When I got to my boyfriend's apartment, I open the doorway, drop all my bags and say "I am never ever having children".

Boyfriend looks up from dining table. "Wait, you don't want kids?"
I look back "Uh-oh. Do you want to have kids?"
Boyfriend smiles "Actually, I don't want kids.  I'm falling in love with you all over again!"
And it turns out we have pretty much the same reasons of not wanting to have kids.  I think his stems from being an only child and being used to having no responsibilities and being extremely independent.  Interesting, huh? The complete opposite of how I grew up...the other extreme actually, and we both have come to the same feelings about children. Although, I must admit, I think we would make awesome, fun-loving parents.  I just don't have the energy to do that though.

I get that a lot too. "Such a shame you don't want to have kids.  You would make a great mother"....

...but that's for another entry.

ATREYU!!!! (I wonder if anybody understood why I ended with that)

1 comment:

  1. You are an amazing woman, and you're perfect just the way you are. And I'm so glad that there is at least one other person out there who feels the same way I do about kids and marriage. They're not for everyone, nor should they be, and we shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not partaking in silly traditions...most of which historically stemmed from not-so-nice circumstances. I laugh at the term "living in sin"...aren't we all? Isn't judging technically sinning? I miss you!