Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Does passion die?

I was recounting memories with a friend of mine last night and said that there was a moment in my life where I could have chosen two different paths:  Path A led to a freelancing life, wondering where my next paycheck was going to come from, part-time coffee maker, part-time Production Assistant...with the hope I can become a writer-director and moving up the ranks of the film industry.  Path B led to a corporate job, adjacent to the film field filled with comfortable practical things such as health insurance and a steady paycheck.

In the end, I chose Path B. The cushy life.

And I will say, I have a pretty good life: a great committed boyfriend who loves the same things and activities as I do, two great corgis who think my bf and I are the best humans on Earth, a quirky apartment filled with any sort geeky technological toys that can fill up the day and a steady job with people I like to work with.  So, life complete, right?

However, when I was talking to my friend, I indicated that nothing really sort of excites me anymore.  The most exciting thing I ever felt about my life was when I was accepted to NYU Film School.  I had so much hope, such big dreams and even bigger ambition.  The possible potential of how far and how high I can go seemed endless.  I loved college and if I could have a career in taking college classes, I would do that forever.  Even more so, if money was no object in our society, I would take college classes for free.

But then society gets in the way of your hopes, dreams and potential.  Well, the bigger query is: did society get in the way or did reality get in the way?  If I had a scale, the weight of practical things outweigh the weight of passion.  I suppose it depends on how you're built.  I'm built for practicality I guess. I hate it though. I hate being practical and it haunts me to this day.

So the questions lies: does passion die? Did my passion die to become a filmmaker and make stories that mean something? Can I just be happy with my comfortable life? I can afford to travel to places for FUN dependent on my vacation time.  I have a MiniCooper to look forward to in the coming months.  I'm triathalon training. And yet, why do I still feel this emptiness from the inability of being able to do something I'm passionate about? What do people do when they can't pursue their passion? Where does the passion go?

A part of me wishes it dies so I can just be happy with my life. My great comfortable life.  A life where I watch a movie trailer and instead of feeling sad that it's not MY trailer on that screen, I feel excited that a great movie is coming out.  A life where talking and watching films are just enough for me.

I still have dreams of making a movie, of having a story to tell.  Sometimes I wish that dream would die so I wouldn't have to write pathetic blog entries about what could've been and the life I've decided to live with.

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes it doesn't go anywhere until you fulfill it somehow. I have a dream about being a graphic designer... I took classes to keep up with some of the current software and use it in invitation designs for my friends or party designs I do on the side. This is enough to satisfy that dream. Yes I can go back to school because I don't have kids. But to go back to school only to make $13/hour for 5 years doesn't sound tempting at all. Why when I make so much more now...

    It does get a bit crazy because of my full-time job, working out, and trying to start a family while looking over the one I'm born into. My days are full, I'm exhausted but I can't say I didn't go for it in someway...Anything is possible. You just have to look around and try what would satisfy that dream in your current life.

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  2. I say that your passions have not evaporated. They're still there, hidden behind the comfort, like an electrical fire waiting to burst into flames... in a good way. heheh. Seriously, if your passion had truly flat-lined, you wouldn't even realize or feel like you're missing anything. I really believe that our true passions never disappear, the heat is reduced maybe, but it isn't something cold & buried.

    that's just how people of the arts are because we've all got to survive or try n' find a way to survive. but once we have found that way, attained that security, that's the time to LIVE. maybe you ought to let yourself take some risks... maybe not big huge ones but definitely maybe try storyboarding and see how you feel.

    i'm basically living from paycheck to paycheck. and i worry about having lost something too. so i've decided not to go quietly. i'm going to go back to school and perhaps pursue some voice acting work and/or go somewhere to relearn how to sing :)

    even the thought of that, the act of planning it all, makes me excited & nervous all over again. and that feeling of possibility expanding, like lungs, fills me with renewed life... turn up the heat, Sharona, burn it up!!! if anyone can, it's you :)

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  3. Agree with the post above. I initially wanted to do music as my profession before I wised up and also chose path B. However, I still do it on the side and it is enough for me. It can be as big or as small a part of my life as I need it to be and its still the thing that excites me and that I'm passionate about even if I get into ruts with it. Maybe you can find some freelance gigs to get in on in your free time or even your own project? Even if its just a few hours on weekends - might be fun! Good luck - and if it helps, I struggle with these thoughts as well but you sacrifice either way - path A you sacrifice security and comfort, path B maybe you sacrifice a little of what you love. You can't win really :) I choose to look at it as a compromise as I can still do the things I love but maybe not as much because of everything else in life.

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  4. Dammit, who is this anonymous person and why are you so awesome? Actually all the comments make me feel a whole lot better because it doesn't make me feel like I'm alone in feeling this way. But Anonymous is right---you sacrifice either way.

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